There are a lot of dogs and cats in the world. One hell of a lot. Per a Discover Magazine article, there are over 400 million pet dogs, and per this source, over 200 million domesticated cats. Coupled with feral versions of both species and not counting cartoon animals that wear hats, pants and smoke cigars, there are well over half a billion of the furry critters chasing their tails or licking themselves out there.
We cherish them in our homes. In the United States, 39% of households own at least one dog, and 33% own one or more cats. Having said that, here's an undeniable fact: they are all pretty much the same. After the cuddly, adorable phase wears off, they flatline at their penultimate fate for the rest of their lives: fat, sleeping fur. Sure, they'll wake up just long enough to eat bugs or soil the rug, but for the most part, they sleep. Think of them as hairy versions of Abe Vigoda.
It doesn't have to be that way. As much as they integrate into our family lives, they're also property, items owned that you hope eventually have value. With a little inventiveness, your pet can be transformed into something useful, even interesting. With a little additional work, it can even become a conversation piece not starting with "you won't believe what that thing coughed up today". Again, another potential Abe Vigoda reference.
With that said, the following are five ways you can spice up your pet and make it something genuinely worth having:
#5: Give it a really strange name
Not every dog or cat has to have a cutsie name like Manny, Moe or Jack. How cool would it be to have a name so unusual as to incite panic attacks? Instead of Fido, try Floccinaucinihilipilification, which (per Dictionary.com) means "the estimation of something as valueless" . Don't shorten it to "Flocksie" or "Flo"; insist upon using its full name at all times. Imagine the consternation on the veterinary assistant's face as she tries to type it on that little label that sticks to the anti-worm medication bottle. How about your friends, who will never, ever be able to get it right in a million years? And don't let your two-year old call it "doggy" or "kitty", either. Imagine the hours and hours of fun you're going to have pointlessly trying to teach a toddler how to say a twelve syllable, twenty-nine letter name, with barely-restrained irritation — backhand at the ready — when they are unable to get it right. Priceless. Better still, give it an equally-vexing middle name like Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
#4: Reinvent your dog
Australians are really enjoyable people, especially when they can't understand how they mispronounce the word no. They don't seem to have much of a sense of humor, however, about that whole a dingo ate my baby line from the 1988 Meryl Streep flick A Cry in the Dark. Good thing that you do. Insist that your dog is a dingo. Call it one every time you praise it ("good dingo!") and always refer to it as such to others. When they ask what kind of dog you have, indignantly reply, "It's not a dog. It's a dingo." Ask the grocer where they keep the dingo food, and when they get confused, boil over in anger: "There's millions of freaking dingos in this country and you don't even have any $#@! food for them?" It's comedy gold.
#3: Cat candy dish
Cats really are useless animals. They can't ward off burglars, they don't play ball or tug, and unlike a dog (or an ex-husband), they won't chase tail. They prefer sleeping on pillows curled up into a tight little ball, which gives you an excellent opportunity to convert them into something both decorative and useful: gently lay a light, convex object like a coffee filter into the crook between its body and legs (encircled by the curled-up form), fill it with a modest amount of M&M's or Skittles, and voila — you have a furry candy dish. Just be ready with the dust pan when it does what all cats do and suddenly bolts out of the room for no apparent reason.
#2: Dog lamp
Axiomatic within dog shows is the paramount need for abject, rigid control of the animal. The stone-faced octogenarian judge with blue hair and orthopedic shoes feels the back, ears, tail and 'nads, checks its teeth and eyes, and roots around invasively for a few seconds longer, all happening with the animal locked in place like a Fisher-Price toy. Put that innate ability to be humiliated to good use: train it to sit like a statue without an iota of movement, put a lampshade and no-heat light bulb assembly on its head, and guess what? You've got a decorative lamp that wags its tail ... if you allow it. But you won't, because you'd much rather ...
#1: Play God
In a way, you already do. Unless it's a cat, your pet cowers fearfully before you as life-giving lord and master. Take it one step further, human overlord: cross-breed them in interesting and unusual ways. Hybridization has already given us the cabbit (cat/rabbit), zebroid (zebra/horse), zonkey (zebra/donkey) and grolar/pizzly (grizzly bear/polar bear). Work closely with a breeder to create the world's first zog (zebra/dog), zat (zebra/cat), polarkeet (polar bear/parakeet) or if you're really creative, a paracoutbatog (parakeet/cow/trout/bat/dog). At least that last one would probably be edible.
There you have it. Five ways to take your ordinary, ho-hum animal and make it far more interesting. Whether it becomes useful furniture or you're just changing the rules of how the game is played, take note: at least there's no advocacy for them to become part of the food chain. Not unless paracoutbatog filets end up sweeping the nation.
Sources:
- Discover Magazine (accessed on 1/26/12)
- PandECats (accessed on 1/26/12)
- Humane Society (accessed on 1/26/12)
- Hemmy (accessed on 1/26/12)
Walter McLaughlin - I am a 47-year old commercial banker living in the Seattle area. I am an avid sports fan, but also greatly enjoy writing satirical, ...
