A psychopathic bird. Three brothers resembling convicted felons. An effeminate bear that became a national choking hazard. The existence of product mascots and their frequent intersections with the law of unintended consequences is pervasive throughout advertising history.
Rarely deemed too outrageous for general use, advertising mascots seem to require something noteworthy about them that pushes the envelope with respect to good taste, common sense, and the pooling of bile within the human upper gastrointestinal tract. Geico, for example, has chosen to rotate not one, nor two, but three simultaneous, annoying spokesthings: a geco, a caveman and a singing bundle of money with bug-eyes. Snuggle Bear sounds like a less drunk, more masculine version of Truman Capote. The Pillsbury Dough Boy, well ... let's just say that there's a reason he's not anatomically correct.
The list of potential candidates is so long that more time was spent cutting down to the top ten (in actuality, given the massive degree of disgrace and ignominy involved, a more appropriate description would be the "bottom ten") than writing the article itself. Nevertheless, unmasked and placed upon a pedestal of shame, the following are the biggest examples of disturbing product mascots on the market today:
#10: Colonel Sanders
That unflinching, grinning rictus amidst the most rampant display of gallinicide the world has ever known not only makes the Colonel a de facto zombie, but automatically elevates him to list-worthy status. Drive through the business district of just about any town and you'll see it ... that face, with the dead eyes and evil, impish smirk ... on what can best be described as a tombstone for billions of eviscerated, dismembered chickens. If you're not creeped out by now, you're probably a relative of the Colonel. Or a stockholder.
#9: Cap'n Crunch
Just take a good, hard look at him and you'll see it yourself: his eyebrows are detached from his face and nailed to his hat. He "captains" what can only be described as a ghost ship, and it's clear even to children that there is something seriously unbalanced about him. Would anyone really be surprised if they bought a box and on the front was an image of a weeping, self-loathing Cap'n standing on a crate with booze in one hand, pills in the other and a noose around his neck?
#8: Count Chocula
This is a product being pitched by a creature who sustains himself by feeding on the blood of the living. Quod erat demonstrandum.
#7: Jack from Jack in the Box
Jack is battling severe paraphilia addictions, which (like the Count's exsanguinated material-slurping above) automatically places him on this list. Remember the incredibly suggestive dog collar commercial? Or how about this iteration, where he's watching inappropriate movies on his laptop in the family living room with the dog curled up on the couch and his wife hovering nearby? Talk about a sociopath. Jack exhibits at least three, and perhaps as many as nine, of the symptoms enumerated here. Potential treatments include chemical castration, which is probably an excellent idea.
#6: Ronald McDonald
Ronald spends far too much time in the company of children. Couple that with the fact that clowns are inherently evil and you have a deranged, demonic visage straight from the bowels of Hell. From his netherworld throne, Ronald has presided over the greatest incidents of vaccicide in human history. Plus, he's just so damn freaky looking.
#5: Flo from Progressive
Speaking of freaky, Flo appears to have been fed upon by Count Chocula, voyeured upon by Jack and creeped upon by Ronald after scarfing down one of the Colonel's victims and taking a witch's brew of drugs and booze supplied by the pill-popping Cap'n. Watch the movie Insidious and you'll see what obviously is her family with scary, funhouse grins on their faces — along with shotguns. It's a good thing life insurance policies have certain two-year exclusions, because with all that baggage she might be in line to buy a six-foot length of rope right behind the Cap'n.
#4: Mr. Six, the Six Flags Old Guy
Fredrick Bernard is credited with coining the phrase a picture is worth a thousand words, although the original line actually used "ten thousand" in it. Nevertheless, if there's ever an apropos application of that saying, this is it. The only remaining argument is whether or not he belongs even higher on this Hall of Shame list.
#3: Smiling Bob from Enzyte
It's pretty hard to put Mr. Six higher on the list with guys like Smiling Bob roaming free within the general populace. This choice is beyond disturbing on so many levels. For one, Bob's desperate, maniacal rictus makes even Cap'n Crunch's look gentle and beatific (without the self-destructive thoughts lurking behind those black eyes). Secondly, his deviancy make Jack's seem like an innocent stroll along the beaches of Temptation Island. Lastly, the exhibitionism shown here strongly reminds us of Flo's tortured, twisted soul.
#2: Quiznos kittens
Kittens are cute and cuddly, except in the Quiznos advertising world, where they are something else entirely. You know the saying children should be seen and not heard? Trust me: Quiznos kittens should neither be seen nor heard.
#1: Burger King
Take thirty seconds to watch the most disturbing commercial in television history. Imagine waking up, bleary-eyed, to a tickling, amorphous sense of being watched. You turn around slowly with a sense of dread and the King is sitting in your bed, staring at you with an unblinking grin on his face. That guy should have shrieked like a girl and instantly bolted, crashing through the wall and leaving a cartoon cut-out of his fleeing form in his wake. Meanwhile, for breaking and entering and attempted sexual misconduct, the King should be doing fifteen to life somewhere far, far away.
There you have it. Ten of the creepiest, most disturbing advertising mascots on the market today. Feel free to consume their products, but be aware that at least a few of them may want to do likewise. Tit for tat. Just don't say that too loudly in front of Jack.
Sources:
Walter McLaughlin - I am a 47-year old commercial banker living in the Seattle area. I am an avid sports fan, but also greatly enjoy writing satirical, ...
