"According to you, the Lord made two sexes: men and blabbermouths!" — Aunt Bee, The Andy Griffith Show, Season 1, Episode 15.
During the relative infancy of television, The Andy Griffith Show was born and ran for eight seasons (1960-1968). Aunt Bee was an early iteration of the eventually-common wisecracking character later repeated in Alice (Flo), The Mary Tyler Moore Show (Murray Slaughter), The Nanny (Niles the Butler), Just Shoot Me (Dennis Finch) and countless other sitcoms. The character was played by Broadway actress Frances Bavier and was a relative staple of the show, appearing in over 70% of the episodes during its tenure.
Bee was the matriarch of the Taylor household, caring for Sheriff Andy Taylor (Griffith) and his young son Opie, played by Ron Howard — who, as an aside, ultimately became one hell of a better director than he ever was an actor. She was quick-witted, articulate, reasonably intelligent and the quintessential multitasker, "correcting" Opie with an abrupt backhand as required while simultaneously assuming the roles of both mother and platonic, de facto "wife" to the genial, country-bumpkin Sheriff Taylor. Furthermore, underneath the girdle, formal white gloves, grandmotherly frock and orthopedic shoes was the heart of what might be best described as bridled womanhood, with all of its implied off-screen releases (in lieu of on-camera) due to the societal mores of the time. More on that later.
Deep down — deep, deep down — women not only respect and admire the stern-faced, controlling, sexual time bomb matron, but wish that were societal tastes different, they could be Bee. The following are five examples as to why:
#5: Aunt Bee was always first to everything
Think about it. The family awoke for breakfast, and who was up first? Bee. She made the food, so she always ate first. Andy, Opie, Gomer, Goober and the rest of the hayseeds were no match for her quick wit; thus she was first with the searing, hurtful one-liners. Heck, if ordered alphabetically, she even had both "A" and "B" covered nicely. The woman was a born leader, even if she was born when television was called books and the cell phone was called yelling across the field while ringing a bell.
#4: Aunt Bee always generated nice smells
She cooked delicious farm feasts (with no apparent reluctance to slaughter the chicken with one quick twist of the neck), baked fantastic cakes and pies, and smelled like a mixture of old lady lavender and Ben-Gay. Move over, Wonderstruck by Taylor Swift — here comes Bee.
#3: Aunt Bee could bring home the bacon — on her terms
What woman doesn't want things done on their terms? It's an XX chromosomal truism. In early television history, however, women weren't allowed to venture more than 50 feet away from the kitchen. Toward the end of the series, the suddenly-adventuresome Bee popped hormone pills like Mike & Ike's and broke the mould: she ran for office in episode #200, opened a Chinese restaurant in episode #209, and even took flying lessons in season eight.
Ladies, as you're successfully beating out the men in the business world, say a silent thank you to the 60's version of Queen Latifah for helping to pave the way. Just don't ask to borrow her gold bustier until she's taken her pills. She just might get the vapors.
#2: Aunt Bee, the shrewdest woman in the world (of Mayberry R.F.D.)
It would be presumptuous to assume that she was one of the great intellects of her era, particularly in contrast to the knowledge she was, to quote Elvis Presley, a hunk, a hunk of burning love. However, Bee was one clever matron, as evidenced by this exchange:
Aunt Bee: "Did you like the white beans you had for supper?"
Andy: "Uh huh."
Aunt Bee: "Well, you didn't say anything."
Andy: "Well, I ate four bowls. If that ain't a tribute to white beans, I don't know what is."
Aunt Bee: "Well ..."
Andy: "Eating speaks louder than words."
Aunt Bee: "You know, your education was worth every penny of it."
Other than the unnecessary "of it" at the end of that last line: zzzzzzzing! Andy's probably still staring at a wall with his mouth open, trying to figure that one out. Of course, he's pushing 86 years old, so that's pretty much the bulk of his daily routine.
#1: Aunt Bee was the original Matron Mama Morton
I've been dropping hints about this throughout, so here it is. Close your eyes for a moment and picture this: Aunt Bee smiling beatifically at you. Now imagine the smile twinkling bewitching, and the girdle, gloves, grandmotherly frock and orthopedic shoes switched out with a low-cut, glitzy gold bustier, fishnet stockings, black leather boots and sequined scarves. Need a cold shower? It's not as far-fetched as you may think, as the character was merely created in the wrong era. Warp forward 40 years and Bee could have been Queen Latifah's Matron Mama Morton in Chicago, a burlesque entertainer who gives an entire room reasons for a cold shower. She was a voluptuous, curvacious woman. Incidentally, rumor has it "Bee" was short for B cup.
What woman past her 20's (and let's face it, half of them younger than that) wouldn't want to be like Matron Mama Morton? Curvy, confident, sexy and dominating. Today, Bee might have her her own reality show: To Bee Or Not to Bee. Or, if the producers preferred a title with a little more spice: Pimp My Bee.
There you have it. Five ways women secretly idolize Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show. Next time you catch a glimpse of her severe countenance on a black-and-white episode with her hair pulled back in a tight bun, transpose her name into these lines from Chicago with drums pounding and hot jazz blazing and you'll get a sense of the real woman behind the schoolmarm visage:
If you want my gravy
Fezzle my Ragu
Spice it up for Bee-ee
She'll get hot for you
Sources:
- Telovation.com, Jake Easton (accessed on 12/26/11)
- IMDB.com (accessed on 12/26/11)
Walter McLaughlin - I am a 47-year old commercial banker living in the Seattle area. I am an avid sports fan, but also greatly enjoy writing satirical, ...
